Is a debt free wedding possible?

Loans, Debts and Weddings

So I was in Europe recently and met up with a few old friends. It felt really good to be "back home" with family, home church, etc - albeit for a short while.

Back to meeting with my friends (quite a good mixture of married, single, engaged, complicated, etc). I discovered a friend of mine, who had married several years before - maybe about 5-6 was still paying for a loan she took to finance the wedding ceremony. I was a guest at this wedding - and for the life of me couldn't remember much of the ceremony as it was such a long time ago. However, for the couple though, there's a constant reminder of this day, which is reflected in their monthly bank statements.

Apparently, this is not uncommon, especially with African themed weddings where the occasion is more like a carnival, as opposed to an intimate celebration of love. And hence the reason for this post.

Before I commence however, here's a disclaimer: this is not to put anyone that has gone down the loan route down. It’s simply a resourceful information piece that should hopefully help unmarried folks make the right choice/s when they’re faced with such in future. Sorry I just had to say it like I mean it!

A wedding photographer friend of mine flew to Nigeria for his wedding recently. He's a top wedding photographer that has seen it all and done it all. His clients fly him across the globe for his work. His Nigerian wedding only had 100 guests and I thought wow! For a Nigerian wedding in Nigeria, that is amazing!!!. His reasoning was because of his experience as a wedding photographer. Simply put: as a UK resident, he'd rather not use his hard earned money to feed the mouths of people he barely knows or barely like him. To me, my dear photographer friend was right.

If you are already married and know someone who is about to, then please ensure they read this post. If you're yet to marry, engaged, single, recently broken up and still dreaming of your big and perfect day, then this post is certainly for you. It's a great help to all. 

I'd start by giving a few reasons why people go out and get wedding loans and give you a few reasons why you shouldn't. Then, hopefully you can make the right decisions from there.

The case for taking a loan

1. Keeping up appearances

You have several friends that have spent thousands of £'s on theirs - therefore, unconsciously, you want to do yours in a similar if not, bigger fashion all in the name of "keeping up appearances".

Please remember that our fingers are not equal and we were all created differently. If you set to start a married life the same way your friends are starting theirs, then you really need to check those friends closely. A friend that’d rather celebrate you for being in debt as opposed to debt free is no friend. Go figure!

2. Pressure from parents, inlaws and other family members

 If you were brought up in an African household (especially West African), then you should easily be able to attest to this point. 

Listen, your mother, aunt, uncle or inlaws will not be there when the bills start to roll in monthly. As much as they wish you all the good in the world, they will not live the everyday married life with you or help you manage your finances afterwards.

3. What would people think 

You don't want people to look at you that you're not very well to do or poor. If you live your life through the eyes of what people will think of you, then I suggest you have some self esteem issues and need some professional help! This is because there's a bigger underlying issue here that needs to be addressed. Chances are you’ve likely lived this way for a very long time and starting a new life without addressing this malady will be most unfortunate. Seek help before it’s too late

4. Someone else is paying

My mum/dad/in-laws/ other family members are paying for it so it doesn't really matter. Really? I don't think so. Ever heard the term "there's no such thing as a free lunch"? If you don't repay it back now, you will certainly do so in the future someway. Instead of having your mother sell her land or remortgage her property in the name of giving you a great wedding, encourage her to invest in other areas that will bring her a better return. When she retires comfortably in her own home (not some council flat somewhere, living from hand to mouth) and is able to live independently without the fear of where her next meal will come from, her spirit will thank and bless you. Even you will live happily and comfortably in your marriage.   

5. Guest list drama

Fear of offending people you may end up not inviting: regardless of how small or big your wedding will be, there’s no way you won’t offend people that didn’t make your guests list. And let’s face it, some people will actually think they have every right to be at your wedding and you/your partner couldn't disagree more with this thought. I mean some random long lost aunty that has contributed zilch to your life suddenly puts on the family hat. You don’t even know who she is and all of a sudden, she’s needing 10 invitation cards because she wants to bring her extended circle of friends as well. OMG! Really?!  Is she on some crazy pill?!!

The case for not taking a loan

1. Classy and affordable 

Having a big wedding does not translate as classy. You can have a small cost effective classy wedding that does not break the bank. Yet, you might spend so much on your wedding and it could turn out to be a sloppy affair. 

2. Loss of control

Even if someone else has decided to finance your wedding cost, remember that accepting this will give them the opportunity to literally "reign" over the wedding. There's little you can do to gain control. Before you know what's happening, your big day has suddenly become their own day and there’ll be little you can do to put the situation under control.

3. Better things to spend on

Your wedding is only for a day and your marriage is actually more important. Instead of spending this much money on a day, why not invest in your marriage instead? Use the money for a mortgage, a better car (or in fact, driving lesson), student loans, trust fund for your future kids, etc

4. Debt free is the new sexy

There's nothing "sexier" than starting a family debt free because it gives you peace of mind and more control to invest in what really matters.  A friend of mine also said something along the lines of the fact that your intended husband might not say anything to start off with but one of the ways you can forever please your partner is to live a debt free life. Don’t be forever reliant on government handouts. There are so many jobs/businesses out there that could wipe out your debt in a flash. Yes, you will be amazed what a little determination can do.

5. The future is not certain! 

Back in the day in London, I knew of a lady that got married and lost her husband 3.5weeks into the marriage. These folks were Pentecostal, tongue talking, demon chasing Christians. Both very young (mid 20's) and in love, they had it all - or so it seemed until everything came crashing barely a month after they said their "I do's" in a very big way. Unbeknownst to them, the husband had a heart disease that no one knew about until his autopsy. Yes, he literally dropped dead and guess who is still paying for the loan?

While this is extreme and I do not wish it on anyone, please note that we all go through different peaks and troughs after the wedding. It's never going to be smooth sailing. You might be made redundant on the job, your husband might decide to return back to school, economic downturns might affect the value of your home, etc

6. You can't keep everyone happy

No matter how much you spend on the wedding, there'll always be complaints – especially from people that contributed nothing to it and those that gave you zilch as a wedding present. Yes, they literally just showed and expected to be treated like kings and queens. Oh, my food was cold; I don’t like the seat they gave me; the MC wasn’t funny enough; the bride arrived an hour late…the list goes on and on.

So think about it, £20k in debt to try and please everyone on the biggest day of your life and all you’ll hear is complaint after complaint.

7. No profit - guaranteed

Wedding is the only "business" you can do that you can never break even, let alone make a profit - guaranteed. More on this in future posts but don't think you'll ever  get that loan money back from gifts or money chain you're so heavily relying on. It ain't gonna happen! 

Learnings from the story of David - a must read for every true bride of Christ

So here we have David, who is fast becoming my favourite bible character. I don’t actually know where to start but I truly believe this will be a blessing to many!

David’s problem started after he helped out the Israelites by killing Goliath. The children of Israel were free from their enemies but that was when his troubles began. Imagine, a boy in his youth, looking after his father’s sheep is pretty much all he knew about and he took up the opportunity to kill a stupid giant that was running off his mouth on the Israelites.

Not that he had killed or fought anyone before. He was inexperienced in fighting – where your experience ends, your imagination will have to take over in order for you to proceed. If you can’t “see it”, it won’t happen.

The folks in Israel started chanting about how Saul has slain thousands and David has slain tens of thousands – this got Saul miffed. Since then, he had sought to kill this gentleman.

It was prophet Samuel that anointed David as the king of Israel and when you think about the gap between the time he was anointed and the time he actually started reining as the king of Israel, the lesson of patience and perseverance comes to mind.

It is true according to Proverbs 13:12 that a hope deferred makes the heart sick but there are tremendous blessings in waiting. To everything there is a season and time to every purpose according to Eccl3. David was not in a rush to be a king, inspite of the fact that he had been anointed by the powerful prophet Samuel years earlier.

Another occurence that blew my mind in the area of waiting was David’s conduct after Saul died. You know Abner, the commander of Saul’s army was quick to install Ishboseth as king over all of Israel apart from Judah. David did not even raise a brow. Can you imagine? The whole of the kingdom was promised to David but he only had a part of it and Ishboseth had the rest. I think he must have been aware of the scripture that says “they that wait upon the Lord…” and when a man’s way pleases the Lord, He makes even His enemies to be @ peace with him. Because David’s ways as a king in Judah pleased God (perhaps it was a testing time for David actually. God wanted to see how he would cope with dealing with a little kingdom before the whole kingdom is entrusted into his hands), he made Ishboseth to run his mouth carelessly on Abner by accusing him that he had slept with one of Saul’s concubines.

This saying was not well received by Abner and as a result, he decamped to camp David and he was used to make David king over the whole of Israel.

Look at Saul’s deception to David when he “gave” him Michal for 100 foreskins of the Philistines. Do you know that Saul later took his daughter back and gave her to someone else? He didn’t even care about the fact that this lady truly loved David. And this was what was well known by Saul. Chei, see hatred in action o.

Saul actually sent his servants to go into David and Michal’s home and kidnap David so that he could kill him. Even at the expense of making his own daughter “opo osan gaan (widow)”, he wanted David dead. David was very patient in the matter and waited until 2 Samuel 3:14 before taking back his wife. Shame, this Michal lady had a bit of verbal diarrhea though because she just opened up and let it all out when David was sacrificing to God as the Ark of Covenant was returned to Jerusalem. Anyways, she remained barren all her life – a quick digress but a good lesson in bridling our tongue.

I see the power of love in the story of David. As far as I am concerned, as human beings, we have been created in an entity that is not able to love wholly (the love that we can give will to a great degree be conditional). However, our God is love and believing in him will enable us to emulate the kind of love He has for us, one to another. Put simply, it is impossible to love the agape way (unconditionally) if we do not know God, who is himself Agape.

I say this because of the way David showed love to people we can consider as his enemies (i.e., David, Absalom, etc).

David had numerous opportunities@ his disposal to kill Saul, who had been chasing him for several years but no matter how enticing the opportunity, he would not “touch the Lord’s anointed”.

Can you see what David did when the fool from Amalak told him that he had killed Saul? (2Samuel 2:9). As normal human beings with the acute inability to love, if we were David, we would be rejoicing and dancing and would have given that Amalakite a gift or something for his trouble. But not so with David, he actually sent one of his boys to strike him.

I am sure that that Amalakite had not encountered the God of Agape before coming to David. Matter of fact, he came fully expectant and believing that the king will definitely give him something or probably make him a commander because of the fact that he had killed David’s “enemy”. Even in death, David still referred to Saul as God’s anointed.

This was the Saul that had a couple of days before visited a Necromancer in order to hear from Samuel. Mind blowing stuff man. It just reminds me of the bible verse that says “the gifts and the calling of the Lord…”

Look at what happened with Absalom when he killed his brother for raping their younger sister. A great tragedy! And yet still David loved his son. The folks that came to say that they had killed Absalom were themselves killed and David mourned greatly for his son.

May I remind you that this was the son that David forgave for killing his brother? He rose up and decided to make himself king whilst his father was still on the throne. He wanted to dethrone his father in an act of terrible wickedness. This was the same son that slept with his father’s concubines in the sight of all of Israel. Can you see that David had truly been with the God of Agape? If it was mere mortal men, they would rejoice and be happy that the Lord had killed their enemy. They will even quote scriptures along the lines of “A man’s enemy are the members of his household”.

The love that David showed to Mephibosheth, Jonathan’s son is another example. Although, one can always argue that David and Jonathan loved each other back in the day and they in fact had several oaths/covenant. David was however not obligated to show kindness to Mephibosheth – only to Jonathan.

Finally for today, I see a true worshipper in David. Now, this topic of true worship, I can write on for ages and ages. This actually brings it all home for me and it ties the whole story up nicely.

David had for many years had been through one war or another. Had several people fighting against him, etc. Yet he had the time to write many of the most beautiful psalms in the 150 strong collection. It is a little wonder then that the Lord blessed him and did not allow his enemies prevail. When David was busy worshipping, God was busy fighting his battles and making him to win. Let me cite a couple of examples here to buttress my point…gosh I hope you’re still reading!

After David messed up with the wife of Bathsheba and had him killed at the war front, the lady bore a son and the Lord said that that boy will die and inspite of David’s plead for mercy, his refusal to eat, lying on the floor, covering himself with sackcloth, etc, this boy died eventually according to God’s word.

The event that followed, as far as I am concerned is the most powerful verse in the whole of 2^nd Samuel. For your reference, this event was recorded in chapters 11 and 12. In Chapter 12:20, lies an act that has made David one of my favourite bible characters and here is why.

That verse says “So David arose from the ground, washed and anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped…”

This is the performance of a true worshipper in action. After the death of his child was announced, the very next thing David did after washing and anointing was to go into the house of God and worship.

Without thinking too far or digging too deep, we’ve had people all around us that we know or may not know lose their children to death. If you haven’t then, certainly, you must have seen them in movies. Do you see their reaction? Wailing and weeping inconsolably. This was not recorded in David’s case.

Why did he go and worship as opposed to staying at home to mourn? I believe this is because true worship is not dictated by your circumstances. Whenever your worship is determined by what you are going through or the circumstances around you, then you’ve not experienced true worship.

And look at what God did as a result. God gave David and his wife Solomon. And we all know how great Solomon was. You know, I believe strongly that God was not obligated to give Solomon to David, especially judging from the fact that he had taken an innocent life. This has led me to believe that there is forgiveness in true worship. The benefits are indeed endless.

Another example can be seen when the Ark was brought back to Jerusalem and the worship sacrifices David was making to the Lord. Not just in the animals he slaughtered but by offering himself as an instrument of worship before the Lord. I mean for someone to have worshipped to the stage of being mocked by the wife who supposedly love him.

I believe we’re all familiar with the phrase “David was a true worshipper. A man after God’s own heart”. But we have no idea half the time what it means to be a true worshipper or indeed be after God’s own heart.

My final example on David being a true worshipper was when he and his men returned back to Ziklag and found that the crazy Amalekites had plundered them and taken all their women and possessions and set fire to pretty much everything else. You know what the bible said?

“Then David and the people who were with him lifted up their voices and wept, until they had no more power to weep”. Can you imagine 600 men (not just ordinary men o but men of valor) weeping until there is no more strength left in them? They must have cried from morning till evening

God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness and we can see another act of a true worshipper. We were told in 1Samuel 30:6 that David strengthened/encouraged himself in the Lord. How did this happen? It was through the act of true worship

Inspite of all that we are going through, we still need access to true worship in order to get strengthened in the Lord. True worship brings direction. We were later told in verse 8 that David enquired of the Lord and God told him to pursue for he will overtake and surely recover all.

Had David being complacent and remained in the mode of crying, nothing would have happened and they would have all had to start their lives over.

When it seems like the enemies have done their worse and all other avenues have failed, we need to go into worship and choose not to remain in the camp of “pity party”. This is what the Lord is waiting for in order to move into action or steer us on in the right direction. I have since discovered that true worship is a choice. Just like David did, we must choose the same route of accessing God that way